This is a touchy subject. Most people have pimples on their buttocks at least once or twice during their lifetimes. But we see that porn stars, nude models, actors, and even that nudist who lives down the street, often have clear skin on the tuchus. How can this be? Are these people not human, or do they have some beauty secret? Well, the answer is simple: yes, they are human (except for that nudist; that guy is clearly from outer space. Have you seen his junk? It does not look normal at all!). And, yes, they have some beauty secrets, which I will share with you now:

Step 1: Stop putting French fries in your underpants. If you are like me, you were raised with the great American tradition of filling your unders with fries before starting your day. There are few things as exhiliarating! However, that is a lot of grease and salt to be rubbing into your ass all day, no matter what Benjamin Franklin thought. The hardest part about this step was explaining my decision to my family. They do not understand my anti-French-fries-in-the-underwear stance. Perhaps they never will, but I am proud to have made the choice to stop.

Step 2: wash your ass once in a while you filthy fucking hippy! Fuck!

Step 3: Seriously, wash it. Use some soap, for chrissakes.

Step 4: hey, did you ever see that movie Dancing in the Dark? Oh man, it’s really slow and sort of boring for the first part, but once the woman has the breakdown it gets going. It was really pretty good, but I don’t know if it’s the kind of movie you would want to watch often. It was sort of heavy. I never understood why it was in the horror section at Video USA. Omigod, do you remember that place? I hung out there so much. Well, until my friends quit working there anyway.

If you follow these steps, you should find yourself with a nice, zit-free ass in no time. And I cannot stress enough the importance of the washing. I can smell your ass from here, dude, so I can tell you need to do that. Yes, I am fucking serious. No, it’s not Josh’s lunch that I smell…not unless he has started eating ass sandwiches or something. Dude, I am trying to help you. Don’t be so defensive about it. Everyone here knows you have a problem. Now, go wash your ass so we can watch this movie I rented. Yes, it’s Dancing in the Dark. Why else did you think I mentioned it?